December 3, 2011

Well baby I had some pretty bad days lately. Each day is supposed to get better, and they only seem to be getting worse. Yesterday, a grandma asked me if I had kids. I responded no but I wanted to say not anymore. She then said how I'd be a good mom. I quietly responded I know. The mom could tell something was wrong and asked me later if I was OK and I told her I'm as OK as I can be and told her how God decided he needed you in heaven. I got through that sitting and silently cried in the back room. I also had a mom who I've been taking her oldest daughter's pictures for the past 5 years come in and she said didn't you just have a baby? My face suddenly changed and she "knew" she'd asked a rough question and I told her I'd lost you last week and she just hugged me. Today, I took pictures of a baby born the same day as you. He even smiled just like you. He reminded me of you so much. It's like I lose you over and over again every day. When I got off work today I walked out to the car and was getting excited that I'd see you today and then I saw the desk and remembered you wouldn't be there. It's like I lose you all over again all the time. I miss you so much. I'm so broken without you and I'm just hurting. God, why did you have to take my baby. I keep telling myself I'm OK I have to be OK. When baby, I know you know I'm not OK. I just miss you and want you in my arms so bad. Well, I got a long day tomorrow at work so I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm not successful sometimes. As always baby, I love you DJ.

Day Eight: November 30, 2011

Today was a hard day, baby. Work was really challenging and I'm finding I'm having trouble focusing on what I need to do. It's like God is sending me signs that I will be OK. We've had about 10 infants come in for sittings in the last two days. Today, I felt I had to see if I could do it. I did OK in the moment, but afterward I almost had a panic attack. She was just 2 weeks younger than you. She was fussy and tired and she acted just like you. She would shake her head as she did this cry that was like your as I call it "sad wittle patetic" (pronounced Puh Teh-tic) cry. She just wanted her paci and the little ssss sound I'd make for you and pat your little bottom. All I could think about was you baby. I almost picked her up and gave her the little kisses I used to give you on you cheeks. At work though, that would be a BIG no no! She reminded me so much of you. Then she left and I had to keep my mind busy I'm proud I didn't cry though and that I could handle it and I got through the next sitting. What do I say to people? I want to feel normal and ask them how their holiday was and be OK with them returning the question or when I give new mom's some suggestions because they are going through the same thing I went through with you I want them to know that it's coming from a place of understanding but that it's not just some know it all who think she's helping. I just can't tell a mom with a 7 day old that I had a baby who passed away at 2 months. She would freak out! Please send me some sign telling me that what I am feeling is OK. I just feel at a loss of what to say or do at work. as always baby. I Love You DJ