December 3, 2011

Well baby I had some pretty bad days lately. Each day is supposed to get better, and they only seem to be getting worse. Yesterday, a grandma asked me if I had kids. I responded no but I wanted to say not anymore. She then said how I'd be a good mom. I quietly responded I know. The mom could tell something was wrong and asked me later if I was OK and I told her I'm as OK as I can be and told her how God decided he needed you in heaven. I got through that sitting and silently cried in the back room. I also had a mom who I've been taking her oldest daughter's pictures for the past 5 years come in and she said didn't you just have a baby? My face suddenly changed and she "knew" she'd asked a rough question and I told her I'd lost you last week and she just hugged me. Today, I took pictures of a baby born the same day as you. He even smiled just like you. He reminded me of you so much. It's like I lose you over and over again every day. When I got off work today I walked out to the car and was getting excited that I'd see you today and then I saw the desk and remembered you wouldn't be there. It's like I lose you all over again all the time. I miss you so much. I'm so broken without you and I'm just hurting. God, why did you have to take my baby. I keep telling myself I'm OK I have to be OK. When baby, I know you know I'm not OK. I just miss you and want you in my arms so bad. Well, I got a long day tomorrow at work so I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm not successful sometimes. As always baby, I love you DJ.

Day Eight: November 30, 2011

Today was a hard day, baby. Work was really challenging and I'm finding I'm having trouble focusing on what I need to do. It's like God is sending me signs that I will be OK. We've had about 10 infants come in for sittings in the last two days. Today, I felt I had to see if I could do it. I did OK in the moment, but afterward I almost had a panic attack. She was just 2 weeks younger than you. She was fussy and tired and she acted just like you. She would shake her head as she did this cry that was like your as I call it "sad wittle patetic" (pronounced Puh Teh-tic) cry. She just wanted her paci and the little ssss sound I'd make for you and pat your little bottom. All I could think about was you baby. I almost picked her up and gave her the little kisses I used to give you on you cheeks. At work though, that would be a BIG no no! She reminded me so much of you. Then she left and I had to keep my mind busy I'm proud I didn't cry though and that I could handle it and I got through the next sitting. What do I say to people? I want to feel normal and ask them how their holiday was and be OK with them returning the question or when I give new mom's some suggestions because they are going through the same thing I went through with you I want them to know that it's coming from a place of understanding but that it's not just some know it all who think she's helping. I just can't tell a mom with a 7 day old that I had a baby who passed away at 2 months. She would freak out! Please send me some sign telling me that what I am feeling is OK. I just feel at a loss of what to say or do at work. as always baby. I Love You DJ

Day six: November 28, 2011

Today was the worst day for me. I take children's pictures for a living, usually a very happy career. I love what I do truly. I was at the new store, the one where we took your newborn pictures baby. Jo was there with me today as was a new hire. I can say I am proud of myself. I only cried 4 times in  four hours. We did 3 sittings today. all three were infants or toddlers. I lost it the most when there was a baby that was born just 11 days before you. I was so jealous of that mom because she had her beautiful baby and I didn't. Then my boss read me a poem today that made me feel the best I've felt in 7 days. I'll share it with you later because they are trying to surprise me. After work today, we had to go to the funeral home. We got all the arrangements made and we will pick you up in 7-10 days. Even if it's just your ashes, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. It felt like your whole existence was dwindled down to 4 signatures and a check. I am glad we aren't having a funeral because I don't want people coming up to me and saying I'm sorry. I know they are sorry it happened and I know they are sorry I'm hurting, but most of those people didn't see how much of a better person you made me. They didn't see how much I love you and how much I would do anything to change what happened. I'm angry with people who try to pretend that they knew you when they only saw you 2 or 3 times briefly. They act like they saw you daily and that they knew every thing about you. They didn't know that your favorite music was Christmas music or that you pouted like me. They didn't know that when you got mad or frustrated you scowled like me. You were very very much my baby. You looked just like your dad but you had my personality. You were strong like me and I was so proud of you in the fact that you were ahead of your age with how you tried to roll over so soon or hold your head up like a champ. You had my determination and I saw all of that. Only the people who saw you the most would know those little things about you. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I love you DJ so much!