December 3, 2011

Well baby I had some pretty bad days lately. Each day is supposed to get better, and they only seem to be getting worse. Yesterday, a grandma asked me if I had kids. I responded no but I wanted to say not anymore. She then said how I'd be a good mom. I quietly responded I know. The mom could tell something was wrong and asked me later if I was OK and I told her I'm as OK as I can be and told her how God decided he needed you in heaven. I got through that sitting and silently cried in the back room. I also had a mom who I've been taking her oldest daughter's pictures for the past 5 years come in and she said didn't you just have a baby? My face suddenly changed and she "knew" she'd asked a rough question and I told her I'd lost you last week and she just hugged me. Today, I took pictures of a baby born the same day as you. He even smiled just like you. He reminded me of you so much. It's like I lose you over and over again every day. When I got off work today I walked out to the car and was getting excited that I'd see you today and then I saw the desk and remembered you wouldn't be there. It's like I lose you all over again all the time. I miss you so much. I'm so broken without you and I'm just hurting. God, why did you have to take my baby. I keep telling myself I'm OK I have to be OK. When baby, I know you know I'm not OK. I just miss you and want you in my arms so bad. Well, I got a long day tomorrow at work so I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm not successful sometimes. As always baby, I love you DJ.

Day Eight: November 30, 2011

Today was a hard day, baby. Work was really challenging and I'm finding I'm having trouble focusing on what I need to do. It's like God is sending me signs that I will be OK. We've had about 10 infants come in for sittings in the last two days. Today, I felt I had to see if I could do it. I did OK in the moment, but afterward I almost had a panic attack. She was just 2 weeks younger than you. She was fussy and tired and she acted just like you. She would shake her head as she did this cry that was like your as I call it "sad wittle patetic" (pronounced Puh Teh-tic) cry. She just wanted her paci and the little ssss sound I'd make for you and pat your little bottom. All I could think about was you baby. I almost picked her up and gave her the little kisses I used to give you on you cheeks. At work though, that would be a BIG no no! She reminded me so much of you. Then she left and I had to keep my mind busy I'm proud I didn't cry though and that I could handle it and I got through the next sitting. What do I say to people? I want to feel normal and ask them how their holiday was and be OK with them returning the question or when I give new mom's some suggestions because they are going through the same thing I went through with you I want them to know that it's coming from a place of understanding but that it's not just some know it all who think she's helping. I just can't tell a mom with a 7 day old that I had a baby who passed away at 2 months. She would freak out! Please send me some sign telling me that what I am feeling is OK. I just feel at a loss of what to say or do at work. as always baby. I Love You DJ

Day six: November 28, 2011

Today was the worst day for me. I take children's pictures for a living, usually a very happy career. I love what I do truly. I was at the new store, the one where we took your newborn pictures baby. Jo was there with me today as was a new hire. I can say I am proud of myself. I only cried 4 times in  four hours. We did 3 sittings today. all three were infants or toddlers. I lost it the most when there was a baby that was born just 11 days before you. I was so jealous of that mom because she had her beautiful baby and I didn't. Then my boss read me a poem today that made me feel the best I've felt in 7 days. I'll share it with you later because they are trying to surprise me. After work today, we had to go to the funeral home. We got all the arrangements made and we will pick you up in 7-10 days. Even if it's just your ashes, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. It felt like your whole existence was dwindled down to 4 signatures and a check. I am glad we aren't having a funeral because I don't want people coming up to me and saying I'm sorry. I know they are sorry it happened and I know they are sorry I'm hurting, but most of those people didn't see how much of a better person you made me. They didn't see how much I love you and how much I would do anything to change what happened. I'm angry with people who try to pretend that they knew you when they only saw you 2 or 3 times briefly. They act like they saw you daily and that they knew every thing about you. They didn't know that your favorite music was Christmas music or that you pouted like me. They didn't know that when you got mad or frustrated you scowled like me. You were very very much my baby. You looked just like your dad but you had my personality. You were strong like me and I was so proud of you in the fact that you were ahead of your age with how you tried to roll over so soon or hold your head up like a champ. You had my determination and I saw all of that. Only the people who saw you the most would know those little things about you. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I love you DJ so much!

Day five: November 27, 2011

Well DJ, today started in what I thought would be a good day. I did dishes and put a load of laundry in the dryer. I felt accomplished then the sadness hit. I didn't want to do anything today but I knew I was switching stores tomorrow and needed to get my desk from work and tie up some loose ends. Daddy slept all day and it made me mad because I have to make him get out of bed. I have to make him daily get out of bed. I don't have anyone to make me get out of bed. Your aunt and cousins helped me get my desk. I felt so alone it's scary. I just want him to be there for me like I am for him. I know we are both grieving because we miss you so much, but we have to lift each other up and I don't feel lifted up. It was just a bad day. There are good days, bad days and worse days. I'm worried about tomorrow baby. I go back to work and have to go to the funeral home to take care of your arrangements. I know tomorrow is going to be a worse day. I just know it. I'll let you know how it goes. As always, I love you DJ.

Day four: November 26, 2011

Today, the pictures I ordered for your baby book came in. I didn't want to open them at first because I was afraid I would cry. Your dad suggested we open them together. To my surprise, I didn't cry. I was happy to look at them. They made me think of your good times and your funny times such as playing the "Tom Sawyer" drum solo on your belly while you giggled and smiled or your first bath where you cried so hard cause you were cold. I'll never forget those times. I am desperately trying to forget the way you looked when you passed away. I only want to remember the good things. I stay away from your Mimi's house because she thinks we're supposed to be quiet. The quiet is what hurts the most. It forces me to think about how I held you on that chair when you were 3 days old. when I wasn't ready to think about those things. I like going to Grandma's and Grandpa's house because it's noisy and I can feel somewhat normal. I know that's hard to fathom but I just want to be normal. I know you won't ever leave my heart or my mind but I feel like I need to hold it together for your dad. Some days he just lays in bed and sleeps or he comes with me and lays on grandma's couch and sleeps. I am afraid for him. I have to make him get out of bed most days. Watch over him baby, I'm so worried about him. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you DJ.

Day three: November 25, 2011

Day three is turning out to be so much better. I don't fill so empty. Your aunts took me shopping last night. It really helped me. Your aunts and cousins are like the sun they help me feel warmth I wasn't sure I'd feel again. They are mourning for you and are so very worried about me. Your puppy brothers keep looking for you and want to know why mommy and daddy are crying all the time. Your 5 year old cousin Rylee has been the healer of my soul. I can tell her things and she processes them in a way no one else can. She is helping me grieve for you like no one else. Today she told me that God told her that everything was going to be OK. She also told me about this dream where you were standing with God smiling down at us. Her mama thought I wouldn't want to be around her or your baby cousin Reagan because you are in heaven now. But now she sees that I love Rylee more now because she helps me see things a little clearer. Reagan makes me laugh because she is just ornery. She helps me think of you in the best way possible--innocent and happy. She is helping me process your grief. She is showing me that you are with God helping him look over us. One day when you and God decide that we are ready. You will bless us with another baby. I love you DJ so so much.

Day two: November 24, 2011

Man, today was a rough day. It would be your first thanksgiving. I am so very thankful for God blessing us with you. I am so very thankful for the 2 months we spent together. This morning, "Classico" played at 9 am just like every morning, and you being in heaven really hit me. I don't think your dad has ever seen me cry that hard. I feel like such a failure. I feel like it was my job to protect you and keep this from happening. I love you more than words can say. I love you more than words can say. It's now time for everyone to know... I love you so so so so much. I have a big hole in my heart and I know you are helping God watch over us. I know you love us too. You are forever in my heart. I had so many plans for you. Some so small as a thanksgiving picture. Some so grand as becoming an NFL quarterback. I just wanted you to have a full and blessed life. I love you so much it hurts. I'm just taking it one day at a time and I know I will heal but I will never forget. I love you with all my heart and soul. I love you DJ.

Day one: November 23, 2011

It felt so surreal leaving the hospital. It hadn't hit yet that you were really truly gone and never coming back. Everyone kept asking me what I wanted. Don't people know that what I really want is to be holding my baby and comforting him and loving on him? I had to make a decision. Your dad couldn't make one and I knew I had to be strong for him. He just kept weeping. I made us go to IHOP because at 5 am not many places are open. We had to eat. Grandma took us and everyone stayed quiet I ordered the easy 2 egg breakfast and made your dad order something. He didn't want to eat. I ordered him the french toast cause I knew he'd try to it. We were talking about what we needed to do next. I knew I'd never be able to sleep in the same bed again or even on the same sheets. We went home to assess the damage and make a plan after dropping your dad off at Mimi's house. When we got home, the police were there. I had to tell them what happened and they took a bunch of pictures of where everything happened and I had to sign a statement. After that, we went through the house and talked about what needed to be done. We decided to go get a new bed and sheets and pillows. Grandma bought us a new bed and I bought new sheets and pillows. After we did that, I had to box your things and put them away. Not just for me but for your dad. He felt like a truck as run over him. That truck hadn't found me yet. Your grandma helped me get everything together. She loved you so so so much. I hope you are OK with some of the decisions I have had to make for you. I chose to donate your corneas, eyes and heart valves because maybe something good will come out of something amazingly tragic. I also donated your unused food and diapers to a local shelter. Maybe they can help someone in this holiday season. I guess it hasn't hit me except that the house is way too quiet and I'm waiting to hear your cry. I guess the only thing I can say is I Love You DJ.

How my life changed in a second *WARNING* graphic content

This is how my life changed. Even if no one reads this I need to tell my story. On tuesday night, November 22, 2011, we were both getting ready to go to sleep we played in the bathtub like we always did. He was a little fussy and I got frustrated with him so my husband took him. He got him to sleep and when he had to get ready to go to work he layed him down next to me like always. I woke up at 3-330 am reached for him looked at him and he wasn't breathing and there was blood coming out of his nose. I yelled for my husband and moved him from the bed to the floor and started cpr. My husband called 911 they kept us doing cpr. The ambulance got here and they immediately took him to the ambulance and got him ready for transport and continued cpr. They had me ride in the front seat and I could hear the flat line. I knew in my head he was gone but my heart wanted to believe otherwise. We got the the hospital and they wheelled him in I followed walking slowly just crying. there was almost every nurse and dr in the er standing in a row. They put a chair outside his room and I just sat there listening to them try to recessitate them. The ambulance team came out of the room and hugged me as they left. They came and told me he was gone and I had as much time with him as I needed/wanted. My husbands uncle asked the doctor what it could have been. He said they never really know. He said it could have been SIDS. He also said that he had some spit up in his air passage way and it looked like he could have asphyxiated on it.