Day four: November 26, 2011

Today, the pictures I ordered for your baby book came in. I didn't want to open them at first because I was afraid I would cry. Your dad suggested we open them together. To my surprise, I didn't cry. I was happy to look at them. They made me think of your good times and your funny times such as playing the "Tom Sawyer" drum solo on your belly while you giggled and smiled or your first bath where you cried so hard cause you were cold. I'll never forget those times. I am desperately trying to forget the way you looked when you passed away. I only want to remember the good things. I stay away from your Mimi's house because she thinks we're supposed to be quiet. The quiet is what hurts the most. It forces me to think about how I held you on that chair when you were 3 days old. when I wasn't ready to think about those things. I like going to Grandma's and Grandpa's house because it's noisy and I can feel somewhat normal. I know that's hard to fathom but I just want to be normal. I know you won't ever leave my heart or my mind but I feel like I need to hold it together for your dad. Some days he just lays in bed and sleeps or he comes with me and lays on grandma's couch and sleeps. I am afraid for him. I have to make him get out of bed most days. Watch over him baby, I'm so worried about him. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you DJ.