Day six: November 28, 2011

Today was the worst day for me. I take children's pictures for a living, usually a very happy career. I love what I do truly. I was at the new store, the one where we took your newborn pictures baby. Jo was there with me today as was a new hire. I can say I am proud of myself. I only cried 4 times in  four hours. We did 3 sittings today. all three were infants or toddlers. I lost it the most when there was a baby that was born just 11 days before you. I was so jealous of that mom because she had her beautiful baby and I didn't. Then my boss read me a poem today that made me feel the best I've felt in 7 days. I'll share it with you later because they are trying to surprise me. After work today, we had to go to the funeral home. We got all the arrangements made and we will pick you up in 7-10 days. Even if it's just your ashes, I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. It felt like your whole existence was dwindled down to 4 signatures and a check. I am glad we aren't having a funeral because I don't want people coming up to me and saying I'm sorry. I know they are sorry it happened and I know they are sorry I'm hurting, but most of those people didn't see how much of a better person you made me. They didn't see how much I love you and how much I would do anything to change what happened. I'm angry with people who try to pretend that they knew you when they only saw you 2 or 3 times briefly. They act like they saw you daily and that they knew every thing about you. They didn't know that your favorite music was Christmas music or that you pouted like me. They didn't know that when you got mad or frustrated you scowled like me. You were very very much my baby. You looked just like your dad but you had my personality. You were strong like me and I was so proud of you in the fact that you were ahead of your age with how you tried to roll over so soon or hold your head up like a champ. You had my determination and I saw all of that. Only the people who saw you the most would know those little things about you. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I love you DJ so much!