December 3, 2011

Well baby I had some pretty bad days lately. Each day is supposed to get better, and they only seem to be getting worse. Yesterday, a grandma asked me if I had kids. I responded no but I wanted to say not anymore. She then said how I'd be a good mom. I quietly responded I know. The mom could tell something was wrong and asked me later if I was OK and I told her I'm as OK as I can be and told her how God decided he needed you in heaven. I got through that sitting and silently cried in the back room. I also had a mom who I've been taking her oldest daughter's pictures for the past 5 years come in and she said didn't you just have a baby? My face suddenly changed and she "knew" she'd asked a rough question and I told her I'd lost you last week and she just hugged me. Today, I took pictures of a baby born the same day as you. He even smiled just like you. He reminded me of you so much. It's like I lose you over and over again every day. When I got off work today I walked out to the car and was getting excited that I'd see you today and then I saw the desk and remembered you wouldn't be there. It's like I lose you all over again all the time. I miss you so much. I'm so broken without you and I'm just hurting. God, why did you have to take my baby. I keep telling myself I'm OK I have to be OK. When baby, I know you know I'm not OK. I just miss you and want you in my arms so bad. Well, I got a long day tomorrow at work so I'm gonna try to sleep. I'm not successful sometimes. As always baby, I love you DJ.