Day one: November 23, 2011

It felt so surreal leaving the hospital. It hadn't hit yet that you were really truly gone and never coming back. Everyone kept asking me what I wanted. Don't people know that what I really want is to be holding my baby and comforting him and loving on him? I had to make a decision. Your dad couldn't make one and I knew I had to be strong for him. He just kept weeping. I made us go to IHOP because at 5 am not many places are open. We had to eat. Grandma took us and everyone stayed quiet I ordered the easy 2 egg breakfast and made your dad order something. He didn't want to eat. I ordered him the french toast cause I knew he'd try to it. We were talking about what we needed to do next. I knew I'd never be able to sleep in the same bed again or even on the same sheets. We went home to assess the damage and make a plan after dropping your dad off at Mimi's house. When we got home, the police were there. I had to tell them what happened and they took a bunch of pictures of where everything happened and I had to sign a statement. After that, we went through the house and talked about what needed to be done. We decided to go get a new bed and sheets and pillows. Grandma bought us a new bed and I bought new sheets and pillows. After we did that, I had to box your things and put them away. Not just for me but for your dad. He felt like a truck as run over him. That truck hadn't found me yet. Your grandma helped me get everything together. She loved you so so so much. I hope you are OK with some of the decisions I have had to make for you. I chose to donate your corneas, eyes and heart valves because maybe something good will come out of something amazingly tragic. I also donated your unused food and diapers to a local shelter. Maybe they can help someone in this holiday season. I guess it hasn't hit me except that the house is way too quiet and I'm waiting to hear your cry. I guess the only thing I can say is I Love You DJ.